In Wonderland: A Combination Of Fact & Fiction

May 2010

When one decides to actually do something one has wanted to do, one finds that one ought to create a To-Do List. One cannot simply hop on a plane with all of one’s belongings in her old She-Ra sleepover bag from 1985 and fly from Chicago to Bangor, Maine. One just switched pronouns on oneself.

To-Do List:

1. Inform Landlord that I will not renew lease on rent-controlled, perfect-in-every-way apartment. Material things are not necessary (RE: See thongs below).

2. Inform family at the last possible moment of move to A. Canada B. Canadian Island C. Canada?

3. Bring a bottle of wine for Mom and leave all contact information with Dad, as he will come to first.

4. Inform friends of plans. High-five most of them and avoid calls from naysayers. And emails. And Facebook. Do not even think about looking at texts.

5. Inform boss of plan to move to tiny island. Assure her of ability to work from very modern and cost-saving Home Office. Such a deal!

6. Beg boss to be reasonable and thank lucky stars that she comes to understand that one can work from anywhere when one has Skype.

7. Inform ex-boyfriend during Going Away Party (Theme: Hail Canada!) that I am moving to Canada to meet my Prince Edward, who will be much better with his cunninglinguish. Linguish, David, linguish! Regret last 3 drinks, but own it as you strut sexily away from him to the bathroom to evacuate your temporary tenants. Proceed to discuss linguish with friends on your way out the door. Loudly. Suggest David hire a linguish trainer. Echoes of your name will follow you as two friends steer you into a cab.

8. “Caroline, sit here, Love.” Your favorite Brit. Fred. Lean happily against her shoulder. “You’re the best Fred there ever was.” She knows. Howl happily at the moon together, as they have wisely rolled the windows down.

9. Stare at the city, your city, and make wishes on the skyscrapers’ lights. They are the stars tonight.

10. Think about texting Henry. Put phone down.

11. Thank friends for making it home in one piece.

12. Rethink plan every 5 minutes.

13. Listen to multi-thematic playlist to boost confidence in new plan, new life, new outlook – new everything. Lots of Kate Bush. All of Kate Bush.

14. Shit. Forgot toothpaste. Forgot vibrator. Forgot thongs. Must replace all three. Maybe not thongs. Hate them anyway. How they manage to make a bubble butt look like a pancake is beyond me. 

15. Decide to drive instead of fly. Cross-country driving is the way to see it all! Translation: Oh, you little coward, you. Fine, delay the beginning of your adventure.

16. This was a good idea, right?